kellye's Cancer Blog

October 29, 2008

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Thanks to all of you for the support I continue to get from you all. I say prayers every night for each of you. This is the best bunch of people and I feel like I know you all. Jill did such a wonderful thing when she created this space. Barbara had 3700 cc’s removed yesterday and has taken a step or two down. She asked me yesterday why couldn’t she please just go ahead and die. She is so weak. A few days ago she quit going to the restroom and started using the bedside commode. Now she can’t even get on that without assistance. She has always been such a proud, private person and I hate what this disease has done to her. I am now needing to stay in the room with her while she is on the chair in case she might fall. This dignified lady has always been so modest and this would normally horrify her but she is to the point she knows it has to be this way. She asks me to stay in there with her. She said last night it may be time to go to the inpatient hospice facility. I reminded her that her nurse said she would probably be the first to know if something like that was going on. She said there is no way for her to describe what she feels. She keeps an awful taste in her mouth and said it’s like death has settled in. She talks about reading and hearing of other’s with cancer being so brave and can’t understand why she is not handling it well. I relay some of the things I read on here to her but don’t want to overload her with info. She said she knows this is where I am getting my support from and she is grateful for you all. I wish she could sit and read some of your stories but I read parts to her and she relates so much to what you are saying. I didn’t have the heart to tell her of our special Gemma’s passing. She knew how much I looked forwarded to reading her posts and I am trying to shield as much as I can from her. She said she is tired of everyone who calls and visits (we have greatly limited visitors) always asking how she feels. She does not want to be defined as the lady with ovarian cancer. She wants to hear about other’s lives and not have every conversation be about her dying or what did she eat or drink today. Friday we have our associate pastor coming to see her. She said she is saved but is having dubts about some things and needs some reassurance abut her salvation. I wonder if that conversation is what is helping her hold on and have even thought about trying to move it up a day. I don’t know how much your mind can control your end but do feel like she is giving up. I prayed with her yesterday and asked what she wanted from God and she said for him to come on and take her. As hard as it is I am now praying for her death to come soon if that is what is best for her. Typing that just now is the first time I have voiced that to anyone but God and I feel so torn to be praying for that. We are expecting the nurse soon so maybe we will have a better picture of what is going on. It may just be the paracentesis just wore her out and she needs a day or two to recover from that. It even took 5 sticks to get enough blood to check her coumadin level. Again, thanks to all of you. You all have a special place in my heart. Love, Kellye

Posted on October 29, 2008 at 7:54:35 AM by Kellye ( Link to this post.

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3 comments)

Dear Sweet Kellye,
I am sending prayers to you and Barbara. It does sound like her time is close. She has put up a strong fight, and you have been an angel on earth for her. I pray her transition is easy and peaceful. She has been very brave in spite of what she thinks. It isn’t easy for anyone to die from cancer. It is a cruel disease. Give her my love as I think of her often. She must be an amazing human being as she has earned such devotion and adoration from you. Bless you both, Gaile