kellye's Cancer Blog
October 9, 2008
| 10/9 Update | Views: 577 |
Sorry I haven’t posted in a few days. Weezie, thanks for asking about Barbara. That sorta “forced” me to post. I always feel so much better reading everything you all have to say. Good and bad, I feel like a part of you all and say prayers for everyone of you. I am normally a very open, too much so per my husband, person but lately have found myself drawing into a shell. I am feeling so much guilt for being depressed when my energy should be focused on Barbara. I am not the one with cancer. I am not the one dying but I have always sufffered from depression and this seems to be magnifying my feelings. I feel like I am doing a good job of meeting her needs but pray for strength to get through my own feelings. I feel so selfish for not wanting to go on living another day, knowing she does not have a choice. I cry at night and wonder who would take care of her if I wasn’t here. I know I am being selfish and hate myself for it. Back to Barbara and away from it being about me. Sorry. Maybe this isn’t the foum for me to be on. You are all so brave and are fighting for your lives and I am….............Enough of me. Again, I am sorry. Barbara is having good and bad days. More bad it seems than good. We have upped her Ambian and, with the help of her hospice nurse, convinced her to be more open to taking her break through methadone and ativan. She does not like taking any meds, especially anything that makes her feel sleepy. Hospice has been wonderful. They have a pill for every symptom she has had but getting her to take them is a chore. I don’t want to force meds on her but I hate to see her suffering when there is something here that could help her. Her birthday party was a huge success. A lot of people showed up. We had a wheelchair ramp installed Saturday. She wanted to see her apartment one more time before her lease was up at the end of the month. Now that it’s built she’s not sure if she wants to go. The social worker advices us not to push her to go. If she needs closure it needs to be her decision. We are just leaving the option open to her. She has 9 grandkids from 21 to 4 and has seen all play ball or dance except the baby, and he’s the only boy. She wants to try and go to his soccer game this weekend. I’m sure if she is able to go it will help her spirits. Again, thank you all so much and you all mean the world to me. To know you are so encouraging to me when you have so much going on yourself…....I just can’t express what it means to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thanks for your support -
Barbara, Barbara, Barbara,
You are carrying too much of a load and if you had a counselor or therapist before, please, please get in touch with that person. You need help (mentally) yourself. Your post is bringing tears to my eyes because I have been through what you are going thru.
It was my ex-partner’s (now) father and we had gotten so close. I was a basket case back in April 2003 when he told us the doctor told him he had only a few weeks to live because of the prostrate cancer. I was very depressed and cried a lot of times. I had a therapist and I went to her several times. It didn’t stop me from crying but I felt better when I shared my pain with her. He died on May 5, 2003. You know something, I only cried 2 or 3 times after that:I had done my grieving before.
It’s OK on this site to let your feelings out. That is healthy. Caregivers and loved ones have it hard and need some respite. Get out and do something good for yourself, buy something just for you, go to a movie or even better, go to an all you can eat place and pig out. I can hardly wait until I can do that!
Stop feeling guilty—throw it out. You are doing wonderful and you are a wonderful person. When that thought comes up saying you’re guilty, kick it to the side and tell it NO, I AM NOT! That’s what I have learned to do. Talk back to your mind and tell it I don’t do guilt anymore. Try it. You might even like it. tee hee hee
Love, hugs and prayers.
sweete2 better known as Ethel Craven-Sweet
WE are here for you in good times and not so good times.
Hug Sherri
Dear Kellye; I am asking for the second time if your sister in law is still with you. I remember that she is Canadian … right? I remember that she was coming down to help her brother, your husband and you. correct? I would like to know how that worked out? Now for what you are saying about YOU. Yes this is a forum and this is ABOUT YOU, no one else ok! You have taken the time to write your feelings about what is going on in your life and have shared so much with us. Are YOU ready? Ok….
There is no way to figure out how to help someone (your mom in law) die. .There is no way to take it upon yourself to feel guilt… That would be on your own and noone is responsible for doing that but YOU. And I hate to say this but it isn’t about you in the short term but about Barbara and her siblings. You have taken a huge role in doing all the feeling but you know it won’t make it any easier because you do that. It is now up to you to start helping your husband, even if he is not showing anything remotely like you. There is always something inherint in men that make it easier for women to do the work…It’s up to you to throw the gauntlet over to her own son – he needs to do more and you need to step back… You are too involved. You are sweet, caring, loving, giving, caregiving, but ….you need to make a change here. It doesn’t have to be large, but significant enough for you to get more grounded about your family life. Isn’t it more important you HOLD THE FAMILY TOGETHER while they grieve even before the fact? Yes this is your role and you should really think seriously about them and that will put everything into perspective. I can see how much you care about Barbara, but you really have a more important role – to be WIFE,MOM, ok…... sorry but I just have to be honest here. I hope your soul will allow me that.
Weezie
Weezie, Thank you for your honesty. Sometimes I need a kick in the butt. I have tried to shield my husband from the day to day dealings and it may be better to have him more involved. My sisterin-law did come from Canada but is returning back to her home next week. She has been a big help and it has allowed me to step back some and allow them their time. We did let one of our daughters know that, as much as her children are loved, they were too much on Barbara right now. We have asked her to limit her visits to times she has some one else that can watch them. They are 7 months and 2 1/2. I hope she understood but I’m sure her feelings were hurt too. We are trying to do what is best for Barbara but not cause any division in the family either. It can be a thin line at times.
When I was firefighting we always told the rookies, “you can’t help if you become a victim too”. We had rules and when we were in the middle of a fire we forgot them because we wanted to save whatever we were there to save. When we forgot the rules we got hurt. When we didn’t listen to our bodies and our minds we went too far and did too much and ended up unable to do anything for sometime.
You have to find a way to get perspective. Step back and check the scene. The pictures show a herd of folks, time for them to step up and play.
But remember, even good, people will watch until they are “forced” to respond.
As for you feeling bad or guilty about coming here and venting. Read some posts, all of them have venting. Some have ranting and raving. Shoot, a couple even have profanity (blushes). The ides is that they all have honesty and truth and love and fear. And all the replies have the same content. As I have been scolded…this is a no regret zone. Come here and scream or laugh or whatever makes you go away better, carrying less of a load than when you came.
Be good to you
Mac