kellye's Cancer Blog
September 16, 2008
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I wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your heat warming posts. It means so much to me to have a support system like this to help me when I’m not even the cancer survivor. I relay most of what I read to Barbara and hope she finds as much comfort from it as I do. I do hold back from her some things too. I don’t want her to see me crying which is some thing that I seem to be doing multiple times a day now. My sister-in-law is coming tomorrow from Canada to stay awhile, and, although I am looking frward to seeing her, Barbara told me something last week that upset me deeply. She said she is ready to die and wants to wait until she sees Tiffany, then she’s ready. That will be tomorrow! I don’t think she is anywhere near that point yet but I feel so guilty for crying myself. It is so selfish. She has accepted what is happening and says she is at peace with it. This next statement is going to sound so uncaring but, in a way, I am jealous of that. I am not at peace and I am selfish. I lost my father (adopted dad who raised me) and my biological dad all in the last year and a half. I am still coping with that. On top of that I am only 44 years old and on disability, after working 19 1/2 years at the same place. I have had 5 back sugeries and have progressively gotten worse after each one. I have tried to turn this around and see the good from it all and maybe I have in a way. If I had never had surgery I would still be working but then I would not be able to care for Barbara and have this special time with her. I am so sorry for making light of what a person living with cancer experiences. I apologize for making this all about me when I want my main purpose in life to be making her remaining days the best that they can be. Excuse me for rambling, yet again, and for talking about myself so much. You are all so uplifting and encourage me everyday. I read all your stories and wish I could hug you all. Gemma, you got me hooked here and are in my prayers nightly but so many others have since joined her in my prayers. Thank you all for your suppport, Kellye
Thanks for your support -
Kellye,
My mother always told me that everything happens for a reason. You are doing a wonderful thing looking after Barbara. If you were working, you couldn’t do that. Don’t put yourself down. It is hard getting over the grief of losing those you love.
My prayers will be with you. GOD BLESS YOU.
Hugs, Joyce
Dear Kellye; I have just found your blog and thought I would like to add a couple of things. Your willingness to support Barbara (your mother in law), is something that Barbara, your husband, your sister in law – Tiffany, see as something proactive, a way to say you love the family no matter what the circumstances are. I am sure it will be remembered by all as a sacrifice made with love. It is at times like this when there is doubt and sadness, anger and exhaustion, prevading one’s life. It is a test that noone wants but usually takes a will of its’ own, allowing us to help with all our might. It is the one way we can express our love, knowing that it will change into a memory of times gone by. Tiffany will want to be close to her mom and that will give you a bit of respice during those moments. Being an angel takes hard work and you have proven that through all your trials you are still standing and providing the comfort and guidance to see your family through this difficult time. Your reward will be in the knowing you did your very best. There will be a time for you to shed those tears with joy as well as sadness. Your work is not finished but be assured, others are also with you to help in this caretaking. I am sorry you have to revisit yet another loss. Sometimes life just doesn’t dole it out equally. We are all here to help one another so by all means, write and give us your thoughts. This is one beautiful group of people, all in their way trying to cope too.
I would love to know where in Canada Tiffany lives. I am from Toronto, Ontario. CANADA EH.
Weezie